Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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