We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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