im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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