you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
