i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
