I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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