There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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