Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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