I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
