My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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