I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
