I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
