So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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