I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
