If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
