Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
