I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
two words: eviction party
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
