Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Randomize