I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How drunk are you?
Completed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
