After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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