Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize