You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
