this beer tastes like vomit already
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
