she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
