I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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