I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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