I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
