There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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