i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
