you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
