I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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