just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
