2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
