I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
