i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
two words: eviction party
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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