Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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