That's intense
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
