I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
