Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
These tits shall not be calmed
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
