So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
