I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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