all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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