How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize