drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
