Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize