I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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