I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
