The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
