So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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