You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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