i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
