I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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