Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize