Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
