I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
