for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
